Another huge fight? Are we really back here? I thought we made a promise that this wouldn’t happen again and we would stop this vicious cycle? I thought you promised not to raise your voice? It doesn’t matter, I let my feelings get the better of me.

I’m sorry I overreacted. I know to you it seems to fly out of nowhere, that it was uncalled for and irrational. I can understand how it can be perceived that way.

But I do believe you’ve underestimated the power of pain. The thing is, I take in every word you say. When you tell me you love me, that I am your everything, that means something. I take everything you say to heart. Every promise you break, I’m foolish enough to believe that will keep your word. Every time we make up, I’m foolish enough to believe that it won’t happen again. You have the control to make me rise and to make me fall. Why don’t you choose to make me rise?

I end up back in a vicious cycle of thinking, he wouldn’t have said that or done that if I hadn’t reacted the way that I did. Maybe it’s my fault? Yet I still hold that strength inside me that says ‘what got you to that point?

My feelings, they’re real, no matter how inconvenient they must be for you. Perhaps I am overreacting, but your effort to join me at a level of understanding is pretty poor.

Is this what it feels like to really care about someone? Or do I care because inside I know that I am trying to prove that I am enough to you? Enough to make you actually care if I am upset and not leaving me feeling like some messed up burden.

You would be frustrated to read this. Would you even know who this was about? You would probably look at me like I was crazy again.

There are words and there are actions. The sweetest words are invalid if they’re not backed up with genuine care. Why do I ever believe your words?

I guess it’s just up to me to decide how much I let your words affect me, positively or negatively.

It’s time to say my guard is up. It’s my safe place and I know that I will be okay here. I would like to think that you will notice and knock on my door to see if I am alright, but I wouldn’t expect that anymore.

I’ve learnt a lot from my time with you and it’s clear that you can’t make people into something they’re not and I can’t seek solitude in the same thing that hurts me. Looking for different answers in the same place is starting to drain me and I am tired. I’m exhausted.

I have this burning desire to be alone, to walk away. I’m just not sure yet how to do it. I’m going to climb into my bed, close my eyes and let my body repair itself. Maybe then my answers will come.

 

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